Is life fair? No, it isnt.

I was laying wide awake last night. WIDE awake, with a million things running through my head. None of them, were about money or finances, or my job or marriage, or what most people lie awake at night thinking about. I was thinking of funerals. Yeah, morbid indeed, but still, it was my brains topic of the night. Not too many years ago, a friend, who was 5 years older than me to boot, had mentioned to me that she hadnt lost one loved one, and has yet to experience the grief of such a loss. I stood there, a little miffed. Yes, good for her that she still has her family and friends intact, that no agony from losing someone has crossed her path. But, what the hell?! Why have I, why has my family experienced so much? So I did a quick run down of how many funerals I have attended. My final number is 22. I am 36 and I have been to 22 funerals.

The age range of these is staggering: 5 months all the way to early 90's. Some of these were born of natural causes, others were horrible tragedies. Quite a few of these funeral I relive more than I'd like to, as the images are burned in my brain. In light of all this, I see why I lie awake at night, scared of losing more people I love. I know that there is no sense in worrying about it, but tell that to my head. It's not so much the funerals of people who have lived a long life that  bother me, but its the loss of life of those whose lives were cut way, way too short. Unfortunately, the latter are the majority on my list. Only 4, yes 4, lived a full, full life, and it was just their time. The others were just cheated.

I've been the one bawling, leaving the funeral home to only be left with the aftermath of a long time healing. I've also been the one watching from the back, my heart aching for those who were directly affected. And even with my number, my loss, there are still others I know personally who have had unthinkable, unbearable loss. Losing a child, that is the worst hands down. No comparison. I cant even fathom the pain that accompanies such a loss. Losing a parent is awful, especially when it is unexpected and you had envisioned 40-50 more years with them. Every single one of the girls on my mom's side has experienced this. What a shitty thing to have in common with the ones you love. 4 men, their lives cut down in their early 40's. Not fair at all.

I think once you feel such pain, you are terrified of feeling it again. It takes a lot of time to heal, and then, time only dulls the pain. It never goes away. Its always there, like a shadow lurking in the night. Sometimes, coming out of the dark place that death can send you spiraling into is a huge job. You have to keep your head above water, all the while the rest of the world continues on their merry way. You get sympathetic glances, but then, if you take "too long" in your mourning process, people start whispering, "its time to move on..." "its time to snap out of it"...."its been long enough"....sometimes its a day's worth of willpower not to punch someone in the face for saying something of the sorts. Everyone has their own way of coping, of dealing with loss, and I would never judge the way someone handles it.

So, back to the subject of life being fair. I think we can all agree that its not. The best we can do is just accept the cards we are dealt, and try to manage our feelings the best we can. I try to be grateful for all the good that has come into my life, and I try to focus on how the bad can make me a stronger person, all the while, enjoying the family I love. I still have my memories, and at the end of the day, they can bring a smile to my face, and joy into my heart.